


i can't stand up without you (nothing feels right)

by dorkstagram



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-25
Updated: 2019-02-25
Packaged: 2019-11-03 15:50:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17880674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dorkstagram/pseuds/dorkstagram
Summary: august 5, 2018 -ethan crashed his motorcycle.  but grayson's the one whose life flashed before his eyes.





	i can't stand up without you (nothing feels right)

**Author's Note:**

> https://www.insideedition.com/youtube-star-ethan-dolan-hospitalized-after-motorcycle-crash-happy-be-alive-45703

Grayson was looking forward to a quiet, peaceful day to himself.  When Ethan decided to take a ride down the coast on his Scrambler, Grayson thought it would be the perfect opportunity to get some work done and catch up on sleep.

When his phone goes off for the third time, he realizes that probably isn’t in the cards anymore.  Without checking the caller ID, he answers on what seems close to the last ring.

“Hello?” Grayson says groggily into the speaker.

“Is this, um,” A feminine voice on the other end of the phone starts, and she sounds nervous.  It’s not a voice he’s ever heard before, and his brow furrows. “Is this Grayson Dolan?”

“Yes, this is Grayson.” He responds, confused and needing to know what’s happening.  Who is this person?  A fan?  Was his number leaked? He never gets calls from people he doesn’t know – it’s always Ethan or Cameron or his parents. “Sorry, who is this?”

“I’m sorry, Mr. Dolan, my name is Julie Barnes.  I’m a nurse here at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center.” The woman says. “We have your brother Ethan here in the ER.”

A sharp intake of breath.  He sits up quick, and straight, and he’s a little light-headed.  Maybe he heard her wrong.  Maybe it’s the sleep – he’s not quite snapped out of it yet.  He blinks a few times and nothing’s changed, and he can hear the woman’s voice on the other end saying his name.  Over, and over, and over again.  Ethan is in the hospital.  Ethan is in the _emergency room._

“You… you have Ethan.” Grayson manages to stutter out, eventually, barely.  He suddenly feels like he can’t breathe.  His vision is blurring, his heart is racing, he needs his inhaler, he needs to get up and be with Ethan.  He needs to find out what’s going on right now. “Is he all right?  What happened?”

“He’s been in an accident.” The nurse says. “He should be okay, but it would be a good idea for you to get here as soon as you can.”

He just hangs up the phone.  Maybe he should have said goodbye, or thanked her for calling, or something, but he’s too busy losing his breath and racing around his room trying to find any clothes that will match even remotely so he can get out of the house and go to Ethan.

He almost runs out the front door without any shoes.  And he almost doesn’t go back to get any.  And he fumbles with his car keys and speeds out the gate before he can even think about it… He doesn’t know how to get to Cedars-Sinai but he’s hoping that somehow twin telepathy can be a thing, just this once, so he doesn’t have to escape from his panic for too long to pay attention to the road or open google maps.

All he keeps thinking is that he caused this.  All he’s thinking is that he got Ethan that bike.  He got Ethan the bike that he crashed, and he could have died.  Ethan could have died, or he still can, he doesn’t know, he can’t see him, things happen all the time – and it’s Grayson’s fault.  If Grayson hadn’t given Ethan that bike, Ethan would be at home right now, playing Fortnite and making too much noise.  And Grayson would be annoyed and hating it but at least he’d have Ethan _there,_ and _safe._

At some point, he probably blacks out, but all he know is that he finds himself at the hospital and tears are pouring down his face.  He pulls out his inhaler, takes a puff, _needs_ a puff, and he gets ready to go inside but he freezes.  He needs to see his brother but he’s so terrified to see what’s waiting for him in that hospital.  He doesn’t know how badly Ethan is hurt, or how he’s hurt at all, or if he’s even conscious.  But he knows that there’s something waiting for him behind those doors and he’s the one who caused it.

____________________

When the nurse leads him through the door to where Ethan is, he swears he can feel his heart stop for a moment.  Ethan is lying there in bed, unconscious, and he looks bad.  She promises that he’s only sleeping, that his injuries aren’t life-threatening, that he’s just taking a rest, but that doesn’t stop the panic from building.  He just sees Ethan there, looking small, and looking exhausted, and he wants to wake him up and scream at him for doing this and hug him and tell him how grateful he is that he’s alive.

But he just breaks down.

He sinks down in the chair at Ethan’s bedside and sobs, because that’s all he can do, because Ethan could have died today, and he wasn’t _there_.  Ethan could have died, and he would have died alone, without Grayson there to protect him.  Grayson is supposed to protect him, and he fucked that up.  He fucked it up the moment he bought that motorcycle and gave it to Ethan.  He thought it was worth it to see the joy in his brother’s eyes but losing him isn’t worth anything in the entire world.

Grayson would be lost without him.  And sitting here, looking at Ethan, the blood and the bruises and the absolute exhaustion painted on his face, all he can do is cry.  All he can do is imagine his life without Ethan, and was it worth it?

____________________

 

He thought maybe the fatigue would set in, after 3 hours, sitting here waiting for Ethan to wake up.  He feels dead tired, and all he wants to do is close his eyes and get some rest and stop _panicking_ , because Ethan is going to wake up.  They told him he was going to wake up.

But he thought they meant 2 and a half hours ago.

He closes his eyes, and he can hear his heartbeat in his ears, and feel it in his fingers.

But then he hears a rustling, and he opens his eyes to see Ethan stirring, bringing up his hand and rubbing his eyes.

And Grayson suddenly isn’t tired anymore.  He’s up in an instant.

“Ethan,” he breathes out, a little more breathless than he’d expected. “You’re awake.”

Ethan smirks, just a little, before a grimace.  There’s a bruise forming on his right cheek, and it looks painful, and it breaks Grayson’s heart completely.  “Hi, Gray.”

He finally lets out the breath that he didn’t realize he’d been holding.  And suddenly there are feelings pouring out of him that he didn’t realize he’d been repressing.  He’s mad at himself for getting him that bike, and he’s mad at Ethan for crashing it, he’s mad at Ethan for scaring him like this.

“You scared the shit out of me, E.” Grayson says, and he’s sitting back down, he’s closing his eyes – he can’t look at Ethan right now without being steaming mad. “You could have killed yourself.”

He can feel that he’s crying, and it wasn’t the intention, but he feels an urge to turn away, to leave the room, but instead he wipes his eyes and looks back at Ethan again.  He can’t distinguish what he’s really feeling – whether it’s anger or sadness or guilt, or a sort of leftover grief for which he’d prepared himself.  He can’t distinguish what he’s seeing in Ethan’s eyes either, they’re completely blank.  “You can’t leave me by myself.”

The tears are streaming more steadily now, and he doesn’t have the time or the energy to be embarrassed about it, because Ethan could have _died_ , and then what would Grayson have done?  Who would he be without Ethan?

“Come here.” Ethan says, weakly reaching out his hand for Grayson to hold on to, and Grayson does. “Don’t cry, Gray, I’m okay.”

“Luckily.” Grayson adds, and maybe he’s being dramatic.  Maybe he’s guilting Ethan a little bit more than he should be considering all that Ethan has been through today.

“You know I wouldn’t be able to die without you, even if I wanted to.” Ethan jokes, but Grayson can’t find anything funny right now.  He head hurts, and his heart hurts, and everything feels wrong.  “I’m sorry I scared you, but I’m right here, okay?  I’m still right here.”

“Don’t leave me again.” Grayson says, wishing he didn’t have to sound so needy, but he _needs_ to right now.  He links his pinky through Ethan’s, just like they always did when they were younger.  Ethan glances down to his hand and smiles, tightening the link. “Promise me that.”

Ethan rolls his eyes but doesn’t hesitate before he’s pulling their hands up to his face and kissing his thumb.  The only proper way to seal a promise. “I’m not going anywhere, Gray."

**Author's Note:**

> i write grethan now what a FUCKING nightmare idk enjoy


End file.
